Jenelle

Farewell

2005-05-05T14:24:00.000-06:00

The time has come for my trusty pink blog and I to part ways. I have to say, it's been a long, fun journey. We must not be saddened by this good-bye, as it has opened the window to a brand new blog...feel free to check it out!!!!!

http://www.xanga.com/DBCGIRL85

SO Awesome

2005-05-04T12:05:00.000-06:00

Went to the Crossfade concert last night and it was totally awesome. I really liked April Sixth, the first opening band. Their drummer was beautiful. The second openers, No Address, didn't really do it for me, but I was also really anxious to just see Crossfade, so...yeah. And their lead singer looked like my cousin's husband, Jeff, so I just kept thinking about that. And I don't really understand the point of having everyone in the crowd flip you off...? But, you know, whatever floats your boat. Anyways, Crossfade was AMAZING. Ed is such an awesome guitarist! And he's HOT! There was only one girl between me & the stage for the whole concert, so there was definite eye contact--and physical contact! Ed touched my hand & I was in heaven. I did get pretty smashed, though--and I mean that literally. Like, I understand how jumping around and stuff at a concert is fun, but I don't understand the thrill of running into a riot of people who just want to push each other. Where's the fun in that? It's beyond me. But even though I got suffocated and elbowed and it was like 900 degrees in there, I had a totally awesome time.

In other news, tomorrow Brad & Jess are bringing my niece over (finally). I haven't seen her in like, 400 years or something. Dave has tomorrow off, so I'm jealous. I know he deserves it more than I do, but I am suffering from a serious lack of sleep.

Anyways, I got a new Xanga site so check it out if you want, http://www.xanga.com/DBCGIRL

More later

The Time Has Come

2005-05-03T15:15:00.000-06:00

Jeez, the last few weeks have really flown by! Or maybe it just feels like that because I keep thinking today is Thursday. Either way, the Crossfade concert is still tonight. And I made a final costume decision in the nick of time. Sucks I only got about six hours of sleep last night, though. I need a good, full eleven hours of sleep to feel completely rested, but I can get by comfortably on eight. Six just really doesn't cut it.

So my mom thinks it's time we all make out our wills. What a bummer subject. There's nothing that will kill a nice conversation about flying to Philedelphia for vacation like someone bringing up the possibility that we all might die. But, it's the smart thing to do so I have to figure out how I want to divi up the dough. Who gets what? Who gets how much? Who deserves it more? These are all questions I have to ponder as I'm making mental lists of my possessions. I'm worth 50 grand in life insurance (which only goes to the sole beneficiaries or the people in my will, so please don't try to off me) and I own my car (which, last time I checked, isn't that big pimpin', by the way). Other than that my life's worth comes down to about 20 pairs of shoes & a wardrobe my dad says (quote) "could clothe a small country". Although that's not even close to true, it's kind of a sad thought that my life can be measured in such a few measly items. And $50,000 doesn't go very far when you think about how many ways it would have to be divided. I've thought a lot about this, and decided that I'd just rather that none of us die right now. Let's just keep things simple.

The parentals leave for SD in 10 days, and they decided to leave Rachel here, which means I get to baby-sit her rebellious little self all weekend. Joy! It also means Dave & I won't be able to have the house to ourselves, unless Rachel decides to run away again & I can't find her. *Sigh* But at least I don't have to worry about taking the dogs out. I always try to look on the bright side.

Anyways, I'm leavin' in 45 min so I'd better bizzounce. More later.

Smile Like You Mean It!

2005-04-27T11:04:00.000-06:00

So how bummed am I that I can't go see the Killers when they come to Omaha? Very, very bummed I am. But I am leaving for Philedelphia the very next day & we have to be at the airport at 6:30 a.m., so going to a concert in another city probably isn't the smartest thing I could do...especially considering I am a very last-minute packer & will most definitely still be doing laundry that night. Still, I am saddened that I won't be able to go see them. They're like, my favorite band right now. At least I get to see Crossfade. In SIX days! Yay for me!

I hate being under 21. It's really just not fair. We went to bw3's last night for 30-cent wings, and it was bad enough having to just look at other people enjoy their beers--but, no, they insist on making ginormous black permanent marker X's on, not one, but both hands. Talk about adding insult to injury. Well, May 2nd is my half-birthday, so that means I only have a year and a half left of my minor-ness.

The parentals are going out of town in 17 days, so I'm excited for that. I love being at my house when nobody else is there--it gives me such a feeling of freedom. And, since I live at Dave's and all my stuff lives at my house, it's nice to have a place that's all mine, just to relax. Even if it is only for the weekend.

Two days 'til Friday! It can't come soon enough, I'll tell you that much. I am broke as a joke! I think I have $18 left in my account. Damn taxes & bills. Wouldn't it be great if I could just win the lottery? Or maybe I have some long-lost millionaire relative that I don't know about who wants to put me in their will. Either way, I would be satisfied.

Anyways, I have a bunch of work stuff to do, so I'm gonna get back to it. Have a fantastical day. More later.

P.S. Sarah Thompson put a link to my blog on hers! Ch-check it out! (saraht33.blogspot.com)

Can't You Feel Me Reaching to You?

2005-04-21T12:46:00.000-06:00

Got tickets yesterday to go see CROSSFADE at the Grove. I'm so stoked! I absolutely love them. Plus, the Grove isn't THAT big, so maybe I'll get to make some eye-contact with Ed. Haha. I just have to remember not to wear flip-flops to a show ever again. Learned that one that hard way (Incubus, August 2002). Like it wasn't bad enough that I got kicked in the face & practically crushed under moshers, I had to lose my shoes, too. What a bummer.

One month & a day until Philly. That's too tight. I'm stoked to go to New York & see the Statue of Liberty & Empire State Building. Oh! And my dad decided he's going to take the train back to Philly from New York with me so I don't have to worry about getting mugged and/or shot. Well, hopefully I won't have to worry about it. I guess if someone has a gun, there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it...but let's not think about that.

So the parentals are leaving in three weeks to go to South Dakota again, leaving me the house to myself (and the dogs, ugh) all weekend. It's not that I don't like the dogs, they're just really hard to take care of alone--especially Kairo. He's massive. But it should be a good time anyways. I love when me and Dave have our own space--it makes me miss his apartment! I love being able to have our own schedules & peace & quiet if we want it. And if we want to go out, we don't have to make up something to tell his parents. It's really kind of funny, because my parents are pretty laid back about me going out & stuff, and they even joke now sometimes about me partying, but they would never let Dave sleep in my bed. His parents, on the other hand, do not think partying or anything is funny, but they let me stay there. Go figure.

Well, anyways, I have a bunch of work to get done so I'd better get to it. 11 days to Crossfade!!!! More later.

Oh What Fun

2005-04-15T14:05:00.000-06:00

Full Name:
Jenelle Theresa Hernandez
Occupation:
Customer Care Representative at American Solutions for Business
Birthdate:
November 2nd, 1985 (So I'm 19, for you mathematically challenged folks out there)
Pets:
Kairo (1/2 German Shepherd, 1/2 Alaskan Malamute, 1 yr.) & Jackson (Purebred Lab, I think he's 4 months??)
Last Time You Cried?
Wednesday night, watching Raise Your Voice. Gets me every time.
What's In Your CD Player?
Aerosmith
Favorite Song:
"Say it Ain't So" by Weezer!!
Favorite music artist:
I love The Killers, Something Corporate, Twista, Britney, Aerosmith, Lynyrd Skynyrd, *NSYNC, Shania Twain, The Used, AFI, etc., etc.
Favorite Movie:
Umm...gosh, there are a LOT! Wide Awake, Good Will Hunting, SLC Punk!, Empire Records, Donnie Darko, Anchorman,Mallrats, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Office Space, Cool Runnings, O, Romeo + Juliet, etc., etc.!!
Favorite TV show:
The OC!! Duh!!
Favorite actor:
Vince Vaughn
Favorite actress:
Sandra Bullock, Rachel Bilson
Favorite brand/store:
For all jeans, pants, skirts, flip-flops: American Eagle, for shirts & stuff, I love Hollister, Vanity, Wet Seal, & Abercrombie
Yankees or Red Sox:
Red Sox, baby!
What was your first job?
Taco Inn when I was fourteen
What kind of car do you drive?
'95 Chrysler Cirrus
What's Under Your Bed?
Yearbooks, shoeboxes full of pic-a-tures, my old alarm clock, prob'ly some shoes, my Dave box, stuff like that.
What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
8:15
Current Clothes:
AE shorts, Ellie's vb t-shirt, flip-flops
Current Desktop Picture:
Me & Dave
Current Worry:
that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life...
Current Hate:
Dave's dumb BITCH ex-girlfriend who keeps calling him.
Favorite Place To Be:
In Dave's arms...oh gosh that's CHEESY huh?!
Least Favorite Place:
WORK!
If You Could Play An Instrument:
Never should've quit playing the piano
Favorite Color(s):
RED
Height:
5'1/2" =(
Favorite expression:
Hush, puppy
One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
Too many to choose from =:(...but probably Jordan Castillo or Josh Ubben.
Favorite Day(s):
Saturday & Sunday, b/c I get to sleep past 9!!
Where Would You Like To Go?
Gosh, everywhere! Um, London, Greece, Italy, Cabo San Lucas, the Bahamas...etc., etc.!
Where do you want to live when you get married?
Lincoln...what can I say? I'm a hometown girl.
Favorite food:
pizza, no contest.
Color of most clothes you own:
black & white...I know it's boring, but I'm tryin to work on that!!
Number of pillows you sleep with:
1/2!!!! Dave's a pillow-hog!!!!
What you wear to bed:
Dave's b-ball shorts & one of his t-shirts
What were you doing 12AM last night?
sleeping...I'm so exciting...
What you'll be doing in 10 years:
Teaching secondary English (in town hopefully!)
Do you have braces?
not that I'm aware of
Are you paranoid?
Not really (?)
Do you burn or tan?
Um, my face burns sometimes but I mostly tan
Brand of your wallet:
Nine West
First piercing/tattoo:
Piercing: ears, Tat: my lower back
First enemy:
I don't have any. Haha! No, I don't remember.
Last person you yelled at:
Probably Dave or my mom.
Last crush:
My boyfriend (duh)
Last thing you ate:
ham & cheese omelet
Last time you had sex:
What are you talking about?! We practice abstinence!! ;)

I Think I'm Alone Now

2005-04-14T12:51:00.000-06:00

Doesn't seem to be anyone a-rou-ound. That's Tiffany, right? You know, I remember her songs, but not much of her. I was always more of a New Kids on the Block fan (pre-fire starting & pre-NKOTB). I even had New Kids sandals. But I remember those in a negative light because I was wearing them the first time I ever stepped on a nail. Had they been more sturdy, they could've saved my poor little footsies. But you can't diss the New Kids. They were great. I actually bought a cd of theirs the other day, and no I'm not embarrassed to say so. My sister, our cousin, and myself were taking a nice little trip to Best Buy, loadin' up on cd's, and I came across it. Then I noticed the price tag said it was only seven bucks, so I had to jump at this opportunity. Although I think I should start practicing caution when I feel I see these so-called "opportunities", because I'm finding myself quite broke about now. You know, I work 40 hours a week at $9 an hour (which for some reason the TAX people think they're entitled to most of). I have two bills, for my phone, and for my insurance (of which I only pay the difference from liability to full coverage.) And do you know how much money I have in the bank right now? $41. That's sad. It's a sickness or something--I can't stop! Hello, my name is Jenelle, and I'm a Shopoholic. So when I get paid tomorrow, my goal is to save at least half of my check, so at least I'll have something (besides new capris) to show for my hard work.

Anyways, I've got to get back to this hard work of mine, so that's all for now, folks.

More Later.

Cheese & RICE!!

2005-04-13T16:09:00.000-06:00

My computer is bein' slow as molasses! Kind of like this day...I feel like I've been here for 98372874 hours, but it's only been 6 1/2. At least the sunshine is out again, though. The rain clouds were really starting to get me down!

So, 40 days 'til Philly--that's kind of crazy! I am just the tiniest bit apprehensive about riding the train from New York to Philedelphia by myself (and the taxi to the airport & the plane home, if you really want to know), but I'm sure nothing terribly bad will happen. Hopefully I will only get shot in the foot or something, and not in my aorta. Dave said I will probably get kidnapped. He's so comforting. Anyways, I am psyched to get to the East Coast because I've never been. We've always been more of a West Coast people...mostly because we have family out there, but either way, I'm excited to get East Coast-erized.

Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I still have an hour & sixteen minutes in this God-forsaken place! Somebody please shoot me in my aorta! (Just kidding). But no really, stun-gun me or something, because I'm goin' crazy here! I would go to sleep, but as we found out yesterday, unnecessary naps should not be taken by Jenelle. I think my (unnecessary) nap, combined with my increased caffeine intake, were the cause of my inability to fall asleep last night, and the crazy, crazy dreams that followed. There was a really weird one involving me being a detective, Dan Cummings getting married, vandalism, alcohol, & the invisible paint you can only see with a black light. (Don't ask. I have no idea.) And, I'm assuming because of Dave's earlier comment, I had three (count 'em--THREE) dreams that I got kidnapped. What luck.

So I'm taking bets on who is going to drive me crazy first, my mother or my grandmother--any takers? I've got to find another job.

More Later

The Way Things Are

2005-04-13T11:14:00.000-06:00

This fear, it rises up in me
I don't want to know,
Then I have to know everything.
So much has changed,
So much inside of me has changed,
I don't pretend anymore.
Sometimes I wish I'd go back,
I wasn't happy but wasn't fragile, either.
Now I'm crystal,
So easily broken,
So afraid to fall off the edge.
I'm so young & feel so old,
Watch my life go on & on,
Never knowing what part I play.
My very happiness dependent.
Sad, isn't it?
But a million "what if"'s can't save me,
I can't go back
No matter how much I want to.
Mostly I try to ignore it.
Look away, look away.
Because I don't want to be nothing
I hate that everything is nothing.

Go fish

2005-04-12T14:47:00.000-06:00

I know I should be happy that the little flowers are getting much-needed drinks of water, but I've never really been a "Big Picture" sort of girl. I am very much indeed a "Here and Now, All or Nothing, Glass is Half-Empty" person, so to me, rain=gloom & cold & a constant reminder that I should really go get new wiper blades, and not try to hold out until winter. Dang it. But I am trying to be optimistic...Say it with me: "Pretty flowers & green, green grass...Pretty flowers & green, green grass..."

Have you seen that show on A&E, Dog the Bounty Hunter? I watched it with my sister last night, because she thinks it's hilarious. I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but no matter how bad a show is, I can't stop watching! I'm like the mosquito flying towards the flourescent purple bug light--I know it's bad news, but it's so beautiful. Anyways, back to Dog--it's ridiculous! Dog (that's what he actually prefers to be called, which should be a big flashing red light) & his family (wife, brother, son, daughter) go around in their black get-up & crazy hair and chase criminals around with pepper spray. Then, when they catch them, they put them in the back of their SUV & tell them to straighten out their lives, then chuck 'em into jail. It's just...really, really ridiculous! But I suppose I'm in no place to criticize--I'm the one who can't stop watching. I have the same problem with Dirty Rotten Cheater, ever seen it? It's this game show where they ask a question like, the top ten things a dad grills his daughter's dates about, or the top ten things you do naked, and if the contestants guess one of the top ten, they get a certain amount of money. The twist, though, is that one of the contestants has every top ten list on the screen in front of them, and they have to lie like hell to try & convince the others they're not the cheater, because if they're caught, they lose all their money. Anyways, the contestants are usually pretty laughable, and the host guy takes his job way too seriously, but every time it's on, we watch it. Go figure.

So lately I've been kind of depressed at the lack of good music coming out. I think that combined with the ever-skyrocketing gas prices has the capacity to push me over the edge. Not in a Thelma & Louise-type way, and screw the little blue pills, but enough to make me spend $42 in one shot making new cd's of old songs just because I'm sick of everything else. It's times like these that make me kick myself for not jumping on the Napster bandwagon when it was free & legal. And screw all of you who keep getting the free itune Pepsi caps, because I've still never gotten one. And I consume a lot of Diet Pepsi. The world's a cruel, cruel place. And if I hear "Candy Shop" one more time, I think I'll shoot myself. I mean, I like 50 as much as the next guy, but come on. I need new Incubus, new MxPx, new "The's" (The Killers, The Used, The 88, etc.) And screw everybody who thinks Taking Back Sunday sold out, because it's not their fault if people like their music, and you'd take the money, too, you self-righteous hypocrites.

The days are getting longer. Dragging, positively dragging on. I can barely stand it anymore. It's the same thing every day! Today is yesterday, yesterday is tomorrow, tomorrow is three weeks from now. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is. Damn rain.

Well I guess I should get back to doin' what I do...2 hrs 25 minutes to take-off. Keep your ear to the grindstone, or however that saying goes. Live long & prosper, don't get your shoelaces caught in the escalator.

More Later.

It's a Twister, Auntie Em!

2005-04-11T15:39:00.000-06:00

Anybody else looking at the black clouds hovering in the sky?? I shudder to think what kind of destruction they could end up producing...although we're only in a tornado watch right now, and you're not supposed to book it to the basement 'til you reach warning status. At least I think that's right. I guess don't quote me on that; I've never even seen the Wizard of Oz. (It was a flying monkey thing...)

Anyways, I'm thinking of going to rent a movie after work. I have been fortunate enough to take in a lot of really good movies lately. Last weekend, while Dave was gone, I decided to rent all the Kevin Smith flicks & watch them in order. You know, I try to like Clerks, really I do, but there's just something about black & white that I can't stand. And the kids at my high school did better acting than those guys. Still, I'm not hatin', I'm appreciatin', so I must say that I think Randal was really pretty hot. Mallrats is hilarious, Dogma is hilarious, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back is hilarious...Idk, I think Chasing Amy kind of sucks, though. I don't like Joey Lauren Adams, mostly because I heard she dated Vince Vaughn. Whore. But anyways, Road Trip & Office Space were both on this weekend. Great flicks. I could go on, because I really have watched a lot of movies lately, but I'm not a critic and I'm not getting paid for my opinions; so if you really want to know what I think, you'll have to call my secretary & set up an appointment like every other average Joe out there wanting to dip their toes in my vast river of knowledge.

Well, I have a lot more to say, but I'll have to save it for another day (I used to like to play with clay...My purple horsey's eating hay...This rhyming thing is kinda gay...) Mwuhahahaha. Anyways, I have bunches of work to do before I take off from this God-forsaken place in an hour and 21 minutes, so, until then, PEACE OUT!

more later.

Things I'll Never Understand

2005-04-07T15:22:00.000-06:00

When did loyalty become such a rarity? I think loyalty is one of the best qualities a person can possess, and yet it seems fewer and fewer people see its value. No, I take that back--everyone sees the value of loyalty, as long as its others being loyal to them. But as soon as they are put in a situation that makes them uncomfortable, they will turn on their friends without thinking twice. This saddens me. I don't know, maybe it comes with being a Scorpio or something, but I've always been about "me & my friends to the end", you know? Always on their side, ready to come against anyone who tried to come against them. Fiercely loyal. At least, I'd like to think so. Maybe I'm taking this too personally. Maybe it's selfish. But is it so much to ask that the loyalty I've given be returned? Too many people are willing to just turn away, pretend they don't see what they know is there, just to spare themselves the discomfort. And it's the same people who watched as I jumped into the fire for them. And I can't help feeling betrayed. Am I overreacting? Maybe so. So I sit here and take it all in. I watch them break my heart because they won't stand up for my side, even if they know they should. Why? Why do they feel I don't deserve the same loyalty I've given to them? These are things I'll never understand.

Understanding

2005-04-05T13:56:00.000-06:00

My sister ran away yesterday...She called my aunt and told her she was okay, and she took some money out of the bank & stuff, but she hasn't called anyone else. Yesterday I wasn't really worried about it--I figure she'll come back when she's ready...but I kind of thought she would call me, too. I want to be the "cool" older sister, I really do, but I just can't. I know she's partied and whatever, but I've never been able to really party with her. Cheesy as it sounds, I have this protectiveness of her.

I guess I'm just sad because there's nothing that I can say or do to make things easier on her. I don't know where she is or who she's with or what I would say even if she did call me. It's not like I even want her to tell me where she's at...I just want to talk to her & hear that she's okay. We didn't get along that well yesterday morning, either, so I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, she's my sister. We argue sometimes, but I still love her. I just wish I could talk to her--even if she doesn't want me to 'help' her. I want her to know that I love her & would do anything for her.

I don't really know what else to say other than that. I know everything's gonna be okay...it just kind of sucks for now.

more later.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

2005-03-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

What is with this weather? You know, I've lived in Nebraska for basically my entire life, and the weather still never ceases to amaze me. One day it is nice and warm & I'm out in my capris & flip flops, then the next day I'm scrambling to find my winter coat because it's snowing outside. What a bummer. Gloomy weather gets me DOWN. I even shut my blinds today because I don't want to look at all the gray, cold, depressing clouds. I don't know how people from Seattle do it. I need sunshine! I need to move to L.A.

Anyways, other than the stupid weather, today has been pretty okay. Nothing new or exciting, just uneventful. I'm kinda down, though. I think someone needs to tell me a joke or something. Or the SUN could just come out--that would be a definite mood-booster!

Well, I guess I'm not in as much of a writing mood as I thought I was, so I'm gonna go for now. Hope everyone's havin a good day.

More later.

STUPID Ex-Girlfriends!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

The following statements may be insecure, immature, and definitely not suitable for children, but if I don't let this out I'm gonna scream and/or go psycho.

I HATE DAVE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND. I HATE THAT SHE EXISTS. I HATE THAT SHE BREATHES THE SAME AIR AS ME. MOST OF ALL, I HATE THAT SHE KEEPS CALLING HIM! WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SUCH A DUMB BITCH? CALL YOUR OWN GODDAMN BOYFRIEND, AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MINE! HAVE SOME RESPECT, AND QUIT BEING A DUMB WHORE. GOD I JUST WISH SHE WOULD DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE EVERYTHING INSIDE ME HATES HER WITH A BURNING PASSION.

WHY IS IT NECESSARY FOR HIM TO TALK TO HER? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO ANSWER WHEN SHE CALLS?! WHY THE HELL IS SHE CALLING HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I COULD JUST PUNCH HER IN THE FACE OR SOMETHING! (IF I WOULDN'T RISK GETTING ANOTHER ASSAULT TICKET...) SHE IS SUCH A STUPID DUMB SLUT & I HATE HER. I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER. SHE'S UGLY & DIRTY & NOBODY EVEN LIKES HER ANYMORE. THEY ALL SAY SHE'S STUCK UP & DUMB.

THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR ME TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS GIRL.

more later.

Oops

2005-03-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been awhile since I've posted...I feel like I'm turning into Joanne or something, haha. No, just kidding.

Well I guess the biggest updates in my life right now is that me & Dave are doing STUPENDOUSLY (really, it's great--the best it's been since we first got together), and I bought new boots. Just in time for summer, too, alright! ...But no I had to b/c Kohl's was having a huge sale & I got two pairs (1 brown, 1 black) for $25. Can't beat that. Oh man but that was quite a day, shopping w/ Colson. First we went & ate at Applebee's b/c Curtis is retarded & I'm gonna punch him. Then we shopped around the mall & Jenelle spent way too much money. Meanwhile, our feet are starting to kill us b/c we both wore our most uncomfortable shoes, and we get hit on by like this 45-year-old dude. Gag me. So then we hobble out to my car on our sore feet & drive to Kohl's, where Jenelle buys 2 shirts & the afore-mentioned boots. Then as we're standing in line at the cash register at Kohl's, Jenelle realizes she locked her keys in her car. Oy vey! So we go through our phonebooks and EVERYONE we call is like 'well...I can do it in a little bit' or 'well...call me if you can't find anyone else'. We have GREAT friends. Anyways, so finally Chrissy comes to pick us up & takes us to Colson's, where we get her car. So I think we're driving to the mall (b/c Dave has my spare key) and Jes goes the OPPOSITE way. I'm like 'WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!' to which she laughs hysterically & almost hits a mailbox. (Not really. But she did go the wrong way). So we're laughing uncontrollably all the way to Gateway. Back at the mall, these kids from "Atlanta" try to offer us 20 dollar bills & invite us to a party...riiiight...then we run by the yucky 45-year-old guy so he won't try to talk to us again, then go into Foot Locker to get my key--but wait, it gets better--Dave doesn't have his keys. He left them at home. So then I call his mom & me & Colson drive to their house to get his keys, & Jes drives me back to Kohl's & I get into my car. Joy! The end. But seriously, it was a crazy day.

Wow. That was a really long story. I really must learn to condense.

You know what is evil? itunes! Jeez I have already spent so much money downloading music. I'm gonna have to go to Downloaders Anonymous or something, b/c I can't stop myself! I just have to have more & more & more. Then there's always another I remember after I'm done. Hey, if you get winning Pepsi caps, send them my way!

O-ka-tay, that's all for now. Happy St. Patty's Day! Go easy on the Green Beer!

More later

Fresh Air

2005-03-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well this has been one emotional-roller-coaster of a week, hasn't it? But I finally feel like I'm at the calm after the storm. God has really been doing a work in me--I forgot how awesome it is! I feel like I have hope & purpose again! You know, I've done my fair share of searching this world to find something that makes me happy, and nothing compares to the joy of knowing God. I can talk to Him all through the day, He understands when things are hard or stressful. He has such great plans for me, and wants only the best for me. I think people forget this simple thing--God loves us! He never designed us to carry the weight of our situations. All He wants is the best for us. Nothing can compare to the hope & joy & peace I feel, knowing I'm in His hands. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am looking forward to growing & learning. I want to trust Him even more, and learn to love people like He does.

Before, I was so afraid of losing the life I've worked so hard to gain, that I didn't even want to know what God had for me. Now, it's like He's given me new life. The life I made for myself didn't give me half the joy I feel now. You know, and it's not all easy. I have really struggled with what to do about me & Dave's relationship, & how I was supposed to balance living for God & dating someone who doesn't want God...but at church on Sunday, Joyce was telling me about when she was dating Brian, & she told me "I just knew I'd never be happy if I didn't have God in my life". That really hit home! I've always known that deep down, but it really put things in perspective! And I feel like God just told me to trust Him. So now, whatever happens with me & Dave, I will know that it's because of God's plan. And I know there are probably hard times to come & I'm going to be challenged & stretched...but I know God's there for me. He'll pick me up if I fall; He knows exactly what's best for me. Isn't that encouraging???

Remember, God's always there for you. He's just waiting for you to say you're ready. Don't be afraid of losing anything, because even if you do, God will replace it with something so much better. If you're going through a hard time, talk to Him. Keep pressing! He'll rescue you from anything.

More later.

2005-03-03T15:20:00.000-07:00

Why does it seem like time has stopped?
This can't be real,
I must be walking in a dream...
Trying to ignore the tears falling down my face,
To get the image of you out of my head.
I never meant to hurt you,
But this just got too far.
I'd do anything to take it all back,
If it meant we could start over,
If it meant I wouldn't have to see you this way.
I know this is the way it has to be,
That this is the right thing...
But that really doesn't change the fact
That I can feel my heart breaking inside me.
The time, it won't start moving,
I can't stop thinking about how much I'm going to miss.
It's been You & Me for so long,
I feel like part of me's been ripped away
To the point where I don't even want to drown my sorrows.
I'd give anything, anything
To spare us this pain.
I have to get through this, have to be strong,
Keep telling myself it'll be okay...
It'll be okay...

But for now...God, it hurts...

Since U Been Gone

2005-03-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

Since U Been Gone, I can *breathe* for the first time!
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah,
Thanks to U, Now I get what I want
Since U Been Gone

I think I've listened to this song 82347983 times since yesterday! I loved it before it applied to my life, but now that it does, I love it even MORE! Not that it's been all dandy, as I was sort of freaking out yesterday. It's not like I hate Dave or anything, and I feel really good about the direction our relationship is headed. We talked yesterday for awhile and set up a time for us to switch-a-roo our stuff back...although I forgot a bunch of his clothes at my house (oops). But we weren't mean to each other or anything. He's the first guy I've broken up with that I didn't want to bad-mouth. He's still really important to me and I don't ever want to discount the feelings I had (have) for him. I know that this is gonna be a difficult process, but I feel confident that we're doing the best thing.

Today is so beautiful! I feel like I have an entirely new outlook on life! I can finally be my own person again, and I get my independence back! It's sad, but I haven't felt like this in so long...Once you're in such a controlling, emotional rollercoaster relationship, you forget about the simple things in life; like, last night, I got to make plans & not have to work around Dave's schedule. I woke up this morning & went to work by myself & sang in my car at the top of my lungs! How liberating! Tonight--I don't have any plans, but I can make them if I want to! Or not! I can do whatever I want! Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Sarah & just gonna have GIRL time. God, I can't tell you how much I miss Girl Time. I'm on cloud 9, I'm tellin' ya!

Well, as excited as I am about having Girl Time & Me Time, my mom reminds me that I'm at work so right now it's American Solutions for Business Time. Ordinarily that would be a mood-killer, but I'm too happy to be mood-killed. (?) Smile, today is wonderful!

More later!

Rash Decisions

2005-03-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

I broke up with Dave this morning. Ahhh! I had to convince myself I was doing the right thing all the way to his house (I stayed at Colson's last night). He was mad; mostly because I've done this like 7987 times before. But before it was always just 'I don't think I should stay at your house anymore'. Now I told him we need to not see each other for awhile. I just can't keep ignoring the fact that I don't think we belong together. I don't even know why we're together anymore. I think we've taken this as far as it's gonna go. Besides, it's a very unhealthy relationship, anyways. Last night I was talking to Colson about it, and she just said there should be more good things than bad about a relationship, and that I have to do what's best for me. So I did. I'm single. That's liberating & scary at the same time. But I know it's the right thing. We just don't belong together. I feel like I don't even know who I am apart from him anymore, and that's not right. I'm young, I have so much time to grow as my own person.

I'm writing this out mostly because I'm going to need something to refer back to in a week when I'm freaked out about being alone & thinking about going back to him. I guess I have to just keep reminding myself that he's not right for me. I deserve better. He's not "The One". And I need to be strong. Wish me luck.

More later

Yay, another Monday

2005-02-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

Monday mornings are the worst. Lately it seems like the weeks drag on and the weekends whiz by in the blink of an eye, and I am back at work again. I have endured nearly 1,000 Monday mornings in my 19 years on this earth, and I can categorically say I am ready to be done with them.

Jeez, I am really hungry! I'm doing this 2-day fast as part of the Slim-in-6 workout thing, and I think my stomach's about to eat itself! And I'm still workin' on Day 1. But, luckily, today's going by fairly quickly (especially for a Monday!), so I don't think I'm gonna die. Maybe faint a few times, but not die.

I am really stoked for tomorrow--I'm gonna get up & go to work at 7 so I can get off at 3 and go visit my very bestest friend, Sarah! I miss her so much. I feel like we've really grown apart in the last few months and that sucks a lot. I mean, I know we have our own separate worlds going on, but I've really been missing the good 'ol days lately. We used to be inseperable, and we used to be FUN! Now I am boring and always sit at home with Dave. Not that that's a bad thing--it was getting to be too much partying all the time...but now I miss my friends. Part of me wishes I could just go back and start this whole thing over. I would've done some things alot differently. For a long time, I was just so freaked about about school & life and everything, I just put my plans on pause. Now I want to move out and I've been thinking about school and life and everything, and it's exciting! I'm still so young and I have so many options! I want to get out there and LIVE a little! I feel so co-dependent, and I want to do something for myself, even if it's somewhat trivial.

Anyways, I only have an hour left at work so I should probably get back to it...*sigh*. Pray for good weather! This cold stuff is NOT workin for me anymore!

More later

Mmmm, Oranges!

2005-02-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

I love oranges. They are so sweet & juicy. A little bit messy, tho--I think I squirted juice all over my keyboard. Hopefully I won't have too much of a sticky situation on my hands...no pun intended, haha.

Last night I had the strangest dreams. It was really kind of disturbing! In one, I was at Dave's house, and I walked out the front door and there were all these people outside, and Dave was running around naked! I mean, he was holding something in front of him so he wasn't...completely exposed, but still! What a weird dream. Lol. And I'm sure you wanted to know that!

Have you seen Britney's video for "Do Somethin'"? Whoa, what a trippy video. Especially the part where she's driving through the clouds. While that would be awesome, it's pretty trippy. I love Britney. Everyone needs to leave her alone. And Ashlee Simpson. People need to mind their own business.

So Monday is me & Dave's 4 months. Jeez. I used to have a 1-month maximum. 4 months is a very long time. But it is kind of exciting, too. Not that we'll probably do anything special, but it's one more marker. We've been going out for a third of a year. That makes the commitment-phobic me go 'Ahh!'. But like I said, I'm excited, too.

Well, tomorrow my grandma AND my mom are taking the day off, so it will just be me & Sarah. WOO-HOO!! And Colson's gonna come have lunch w/ me. So it's gonna be a pretty good day, I can tell.

I guess that's pretty much it for now, but before I go, let's have a moment of silence for Hunter S. Thompson......

More later.

Still Trying...

2005-02-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

You know, I try really hard to keep my blog light & easy so it's more fun to read, but today I just need to get some stuff out. So feel free to skip over this one if you're not feeling entirely 'listen-y', because it might not be that interesting.

Have you heard that song 'This is Your Life', by Switchfoot? Well, for better understanding, here are the basic lyrics:

"This Is Your Life"

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be?
this is your life, are you who you want to be?
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over

this is your life, are you who you want to be?
this is your life, are you who you want to be?
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Every time I hear that song, I think about how I always thought things would be by this time in my life. And I can't ignore the fact that who I am is nothing close to who I want to be. How did things get this far? I miss knowing that everything is gonna be okay. I miss having hope and joy. I miss being content and inspired. I miss having purpose. So I want to change. I just don't feel right about my life anymore. So I've been praying a lot lately, trying to find the strength to change my life...but it seems like every time I try, it's so much easier to just do what's comfortable. I've spent my whole life trying to create this little world, and I get scared to death of losing everything. Mostly because...who am I apart from it? In high school, it was always 'who am I if I'm not a partier?' and now that I'm out of that whole scene, it's 'who am I if I'm not with Dave?'. I just want to grow as my own person, especially before I'm in such a serious relationship. I don't want to live with him anymore, because I just can't justify it anymore. It's not right, and I can't ignore that. I miss being involved in the church, encouraging people, knowing I had a future. So I've just been praying & praying & praying, and I feel like God's lifted this incredible weight off my shoulders. I know that he has all these great plans for me, greater than any plans I had for myself, and that if I just give my life to Him, He'll take care of everything. And you know, I don't have everything figured out. I'm still really confused. I love being with Dave, but I don't know if we're supposed to be together, but I don't want to break up with him. I never want to hurt him, but I don't know if our relationship's strong enough to endure this change. But, in the midst of all my confusion...it's like, I know God's gonna take care of everything. Even if I mess up, He's gonna fix it, and make it right.

I definitely don't have all of this figured out...but I feel like I'm on the right track, and that's a good feeling. It's like I'm getting a chance to start over, and I want to do things better this time around. This is my life, and today is all I've got now--and I want to change. If you're feeling the same way, or even if you're not, remember that God loves you. And he's waiting for You, all You have to do is ask.

Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:6

More later.

Oh Happy Day

2005-02-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today is fantastic. No, better than fantastic--it's awesomely, brilliantly wonderful. Why, do you ask? Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure! Maybe it's the sunshine. Maybe it's the fact that it's Thursday. Whatever the reason, I am *happy*, and it's a stupendous feeling. Although, I suppose I could be happier, if it were 5 o'clock...well, 1 hour & 56 minutes and I shall have my wish.

Anyways, it seems that Joanne, while previously making leaps and bounds in her posting-frequency, has regressed to a rather disturbing state of anti-posting. It's a sad, sad world when people neglect their blogs like this. Come on, people! You created them! Love them! Hold them tenderly! Let them know you still care! Not to mention that, as in Joanne's case, people are so shady that sometimes their blogs are the only way their friends can stay connected to them! (Oh yeah! Jenelle-1, Joanne-0) =).

I love wearing tennis shoes with my otherwise nice outfit. It makes me feel rebellious. I actually used to dress up a lot in high school...not so much, anymore. I now consider 'dressing up' wearing jeans instead of sweatpants. Today, though, I had to dress up to my mom's standards, because we went and had a Meeting. Meetings are very big deals. Which means dressing up--in black pants and my sister's new pink shirt (which I took without asking and got caught for later. dang.) Oh yeah, and NO tennis shoes. But, I am sneaky. See, I wore my comfy new Nike's, but brought along my very uncomfy black Britney Spears shoes. Then I switch-a-roo'd them in the car. I am terribly clever like that. And then, when the Meeting was over, I threw those clunky ankle-breakers in the back seat and snuggled back into my good 'ol cozy Nike's. I am so smart.

Today is my dear brother's birthday. He is TWENTY-FIVE today. Jeez, what an old geezer. Hee hee. I am only 19 right now, but that still makes me feel old sometimes. This is my last year being a teenager! I remember when I first became a teenager. I had a bowling party, with boys and everything. I thought I was pretty hot stuff.

Okay well Joanne just told me she's posting, so I have to hurry up & publish this before my comments are expired. =)

More later!

See Beyond the Imperfections

2005-02-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

Why complain? Look on the bright side. Keep your head up. Tomorrow's a new day.

These are the new mottos I'm trying to live by--cliche as they may be. I've decided that, as bad as the world may seem, there's too much good stuff to spend my time dwelling on the negative aspects of my life. And just because things have changed and I'm not exactly living the life I thought I would be, I'm still living. I'm young and full of potential. Focus on the good things, and everything else will fall into place. I figure that the sooner I accept situations, the sooner I can decide how I want to deal with them. I have great friends, a loving family, a good job, and time to figure everything out. Why sweat the small stuff, right? I realize this is easier said than done, especially for worriers like myself, but I'm taking steps in the right direction. My mom gave me this quote that says "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections". So maybe it's time for me to start looking beyond all the bad stuff, and really see the good things.

On that note, Colson & I have started looking at apartments, even though it will probably be a few months before we can actually move out. It's very exciting, thinking about living on our own! We'll have our own space and furniture and we can make our own decisions...Plus, Jes is the kind of person who wouldn't want to have people over all the time or go out and party, which is nice because I've kind of gotten out of that whole thing. I don't know, it just got old.

This Friday, I am gonna be ROLLIN in the DOUGH. On top of getting my paycheck, I'm also getting my income tax return, so I'm gonna be RICH. My plan is to save most of it, and it will go into my 'moving out' fund, unless my car breaks down or something...but either way, it feels good to have money on reserve.

Tonight I am taking Ellie out to Grisanti's for her birthday, which will be really fun because we haven't hung out in awhile. I would love if she could move out with us this summer, but I don't know if that's feasible. Fun to think about, tho. =) Anyways, then tomorrow night, Colson & I are hanging out with Amber & Liz, who we haven't seen since graduation, so I'm really looking forward to that.

Okay, I should probably get back to work now, but I leave you with this: if you're feeling down, remember that this, too, shall pass. I really believe that ultimately, everything's gonna be okay. Look on the bright side. Keep your head up. Tomorrow's a brand new day.

More later!

Alas

2005-02-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well, we have come once again to the conclusion of a very, very long week; I, for one, am not sad to see it end, though it did have its perks--I got two Betta fish. They are pretty and lively, and they're super troopers (my sister put them in water that was WAY too cold, and after awhile they both sank to the bottom on their sides...but after we got into ROOM TEMPERATURE water, they were just swimming away. They overcame adversity...kind of...) I named the blue one Pegasus, after my new shoes, and the pink/red one has yet to be named. I'm thinking maybe Britney Spears or Ashlee Simpson, but nothing has been set in stone. I was really bummed, because they had Nemo fish, and I wanted one SO badly, but the guy said you need a heated aquarium with a pump and all that stuff--way too much money & work. But I was really sad, because I really wanted a Nemo. I was gonna name him Nemo. *Sigh*. Not that Pegasus & No Name Yet aren't great fish...they're just not Nemos.

Anyways, as long as this week was, I almost wish it wasn't over, because this weekend is gonna be even worse. Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of Jordan Castillo's death, and I think everyone is a little more emotional lately because of it. It's hard to believe that an entire year has passed; I remember everything so vividly, and it's all very sad. I worry about my sister, because there's nothing anyone can say or do to change anything, and it breaks my heart to see her sad. I remember the day he died, and how when she cried, she looked like there was nothing left of her; like she was dying right along with him...He was like my little brother. We'd talk alot when he called for Rachel, and we'd fight over the remote control when he was at my house. He was very image-conscious, and he even let my gel his hair one time. He always called me Jen, which is something only my family and really close friends call me. And when I think about how much I miss him, and how it hurts so badly that he's gone...I can't imagine what my sister goes through. I always think of her sitting there, crying...I think about when we sat around at the Castillo's house, and how everyone would be okay for awhile...and then someone would say something, and we'd all start crying again. It would just go on & on like that...I remember how Jesse told me he woke up that night to Jackie & David crying...how David answered the phone and said "well, we're alright...we just won't see Jordan today" and broke down crying...how Rachel told me the boys held up Jordan's football jersey after they won their last game...and it just...breaks my heart. It's just so unfair that people can be here one minute, and gone the next, with no warning at all. I'll never understand.

I hate to end this on a sad note, but I don't have much to say after that. Pray for the David, Jackie, and Jesse. Pray for Rachel. Pray for all of us. Because tomorrow is going to be really, really hard.

More later.

I Need a Vacation

2005-02-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

Man oh man, what a stressful day. It has been the highlight of my unusually stressful week. Joy! And I can't even vent about it because I'm always afraid that someone will read what I've written about them in the heat of anger, and there will be no way to take it back. That's the downside of blogs.

Anyways, I have to give props to Joanne, because she's done a very good job keeping her blog (somewhat) updated. I might have to bake her a cookie.

Did you know that today is only WEDNESDAY?? Jeez, I feel like it should be Thursday of NEXT week already. I have an hour and three minutes left. Help me! I need to win the lottery so I can quit working and sail around on my yacht. That would be pure bliss. I would just sail from coast to coast to coast, drinking pina coladas and lounging in the sun. And I would swim with dolphins and have a personal masseuse on-call, and not have a care in the world. Ahhhhh. But no, instead of sitting around on my private island, I will be here, answering phones and entering numbers into my computer. In cold, predictable Lincoln. Without a masseuse or pina coladas. And not a dolphin in a 1000 mile radius.

Jeez. I've got too much work to do. Hope your day is better than mine.

More later.

Dedication

2005-02-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have written in my blog a lot lately. And why not? It gives me a slight feeling of accomplishment. I'm trying to be more diligent in my writing and drawing and singing--you know, the 'artist' Jenelle. Maybe that should have been my New Year's resolution; instead I picked 'being nicer' (in general). I do have to say that I have been doing a lot better with being nice to people...but I have also slowly faded out contact with the outside world (i.e. I never go out anymore), so I'm not sure if I'm actually being nicer, or just not having the opportunity to be mean...either way, though, I'm accomplishing my goal. Maybe I'll save 'diligent, art-sy Jenelle' for next year's resolution. Two years ago, my two resolutions were to stop playing with my hair so much (a nervous habit) and to quit putting my elbows on the table...well, I still put my elbows on the table, but now at least I'm aware of when I do it. And it doesn't happen very often. Next year I should probably add 'better money management', but I think two major resolutions is a lot to deal with. Maybe I'll save that one for 2007.

On that note, I bought new shoes today. It's amazing to me how quickly I go through my money, especially since I only have two bills a month (phone & car insurance). Already I spent $20 at Gordman's, $32 on gas & a car wash, $15 on lunch (Applebee's, mmmm), & $23 on video rentals and late fees. But I got a discount on my new shoes because I'm special like that...well, actually, it's because Dave works at Foot Locker, but I'll pretend it's because I'm special.

You know what I love? When people insult me and then ask me for something (Cough-SARAH-Cough!). She was making fun of how I can't drive through the car wash thingies (my sister did it for me). And then she wanted a bite of my dessert from Applebee's. Jeez. But I gave her some, anyways. She can thank my New Year's resolution.

I think I am at a very awkward stage in my life right now. Do you remember that Britney Spears song "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman"? Not the greatest song she's ever done, in my opinion, although I still love her more than life itself. And I didn't think her movie was as bad as some critics made it sound. Why do people love to hate her, anyways?...I'm getting off-track. No, but it's a very strange feeling, being 19 and not going to school and living with my boyfriend and working full-time, but still feeling like a kid sometimes. I don't have very many responsibilites, but I'm getting more mature and more independent. It seems like some things are changing so drastically and some things are staying exactly the same. It's a very weird combination.

Anyways, is it just me or did this week drag on FOREVER?? I feel like it's lasted ten years. And I'm very tired today, which isn't helping the 'drag on' factor. I have to take my sister to work after I get off, but then I'm going home and taking a nap.

Do you ever feel misunderstood? I've been feeling really misunderstood lately. Maybe it's because I spend most of my time with a guy, and guys are a lot more emotionally detached than girls. But my girlfriends don't understand why I spend so much time with a guy, so that just adds to the misunderstood-ness. That's not a word, but I couldn't figure out how to say it. You know what I mean, anyways. Or maybe you don't, and that just reiterates my point. My life is very emotionally stressful right now. I'm doing a lot of soul-searching and philosophizing. Is that a word? I watched SLC Punk! the other night, one of my all-time favorite movies. It always makes me think a lot. It's funny and crazy and dark, which I think describes me in a nutshell. I am a very simple, complex, not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman, which I believe I owe my emotional stress to. My life is on pause and fast-forward at the same time. You remember that song by The Wallflowers, where they say 'I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same'? That's me in a nutshell, too. One confusing, crazy nutshell. Who came up with that saying, anyways? Why couldn't it have been a pea pod or something? The world may never know.

I was gonna go buy cd's yesterday, but I ended up not being very motivated, so I think I might just burn a new one. A good one with The Killers and The 88's and Rooney and dios malos. Dave will hate it, but that's because he only likes some good music. I like all good music. As long as it's not too metal-y. Heavy metal's never really been my thing. I like some old school Metallica, and of course the classic stuff that you have to like, but for the most part I try to keep it pretty alternative rock. Bet you wanted to know that, huh?

I bet I have looked at my new shoes 7987 times today. The shiny silver is so eye-catching. Almost as eye-catching as my newly-washed car that has water spots all over it b/c my sister drove through the dryer part to slowly. Yay for payday. They say that the love of money is the root of all evil; lucky for me, I don't love money--just the stuff I buy.

Well, Sarah (the insult-me-then-eat-my-dessert one) just informed me that Joanne wrote in her blog! No thanks to my incessant nagging, I'm sure. She probably won't write in it for another ten years, so I need to take this opportunity to read what she has to say. I leave you with some advice to live by: Don't drink and drive, wear sunscreen, tell your mother you love her, and don't drink the bath water.

More later.

Overjoyed...

2005-02-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

So Randy, Dave's friend that I can't stand, is out of jail now. And Dave has the day off. Hmmmm, I wonder who he's gonna hang out with today? And he's already started acting like a jerk, my favorite quality that Randy brings out in him. You know, sometimes I think Dave is bi-polar. He will be in a totally good, silly mood, and then five minutes later he's all hibbity-jibbity about everything. And he does things purposely that he knows will upset me. Grrrrr, that makes me so angry. It's times like these that make me wonder what it would be like if we stay together. It's like all I do is give & give & give, and he doesn't even want to make any effort to change. Not that it's bad all the time, because it's really not. We have really great times together and I don't know what I'd do without him. But sometimes he drives me crazy.

Anyways, so, how tight are The Killers? I'm getting a bit obsessed with them, if you want to know the truth. I suggest that everyone goes out and buys "Hot Fuss". It's too tight. I'm a bit sick of 'Somebody Told Me', but 'Mr. Brightside' is my favorite song of the moment.

That's all I really have to say...oh yeah, and Joanne is still a bum for not writing in her blog. More later.

2 Legit 2 Quit

2005-02-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

Joanne is lazy and never updates her blog. I am severely disappointed in her. You know, the rest of us have jobs and lives, too, but WE find time to post! What makes her so special that she shouldn't have to? She's all "Oooooh! I'm gonna be a nurse! I'm too good to write in my blog!". Whatever. =)

Well, today is Wednesday, which means there's only 2 more days 'til payday. I would've calculated the hours, but I'm not sure what time we get our automatic deposits. Too early for me to worry about, that's for sure! I like Wednesdays, though, because I can write checks and have a pretty good chance that they won't come in before my paycheck does. Yes, I am a risk-taker. My fortune cookie from last night told me so. Nevermind that it also said I like horses...

My mother left this morning for the winter conference in Minnesota, and felt the need to call me at 6:23 a.m. before she got on her plane. I'm aware that she loves me and will miss me and is just a little bit paranoid about her plane crashing, but 6:23 is entirely too early to be making phone calls. That's why God invented text-messaging...although she's a bit technologically challenged for texting...But, hey, if my grandparents can own and operate a cell phone, my mother can learn how to text. That's my stand on that.

I need more MSN messenger buddies. I only have four. Isn't that sad? Doesn't that make you feel bad for me? Maybe I should find out if some of my AOL buddies have MSN messenger...then we could im each other on both! At the same time! Won't you be my neighbor?

You know what I love? Those dumb little survey things that I get every now and again in my e-mail box from my friends, about your favorite color and TV show and whatnot. I try to make mine as clever as possible, though I'm not sure I've succeeded. It's no fun if people don't try to jazz them up a little bit. I consider myself a world-class jazzer upper, if I do say so myself. (Don't use my blog as a reference point for these comments...I save my jazz upping for e-mail surveys...) There's nothing worse than reading someone's 100-question survey where every answer is one-worded and boring. I've made it my goal to end this practice. God gave us words--let's use them, people!

We got samples of the new stress pals from one of our promotional product vendors--they're the same standard sand-filledm smiling stress pals (whoa...alliteration), but they have koosh ball hair! And get this--they're called 'The MANE Squeeze'. MANE--get it?! B/c they have hair! And you SQUEEZE them b/c they're stress pals! Yay for play-on words!

My mommy just called. She said she got a LIVESTRONG bracelet, but didn't understand what they were for. She thought Lance Armstrong was an astronaut. Oy. Sometimes I think she just lives under a rock, oblivious to the outside world. She once called Three Doors Down 'Two Hours Later'. Idk where she comes up with this stuff.

Anyways, I should probably go now. I need to do some calling before Sarah gets back with my grilled cheese sandwich and peanut butter fudge shake from Sonic. Mmmm, I love Sonic. I haven't eaten there in forever. Sonic is good. And I miss Sega.

Okay, okay, I'm going. I've got to fill out another e-mail survey thing, anyways. Until next time, remember that it's a slippery slope, my friend, six of one, half a dozen of the other, and there's no 'I' in 'Team'. More later!

Peace!

I Wish

2005-01-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you,
Be with you somehow.
I know you're in a better place
Even though I can't see your face.
I know you're smiling down on me,
Saying everything's okay.

-R. Kelly

I drove through the rain yesterday and listened to Tupac. The cars driving around me had no idea what I was going to do, and I got kind of lost in that thought--so much that I almost missed my turn into the cemetery. It had been a couple of months since I'd been there, and I kind of hoped no one else was. I needed some time alone, even if it was just to look at his headstone. I drove through the brick pathways, way to the back where he's buried, and shut off my car. You know, it doesn't matter how much I prepare myself--every time I'm there, the grief rushes over me, and I just sit there and cry. The grass still looks newly planted, even though it's been almost a year. I finally got out of the car and walked up to the site, and laid down a single red rose below his headstone. Then I just stood there, reading the words I'd read a thousand times before, and remembered when he came to Rachel's basketball game; when it was over, we all walked out to the parking lot, and he jumped up on top of the mini-van and yelled out "Bye, Rach! Bye, Leonard! Bye, Tracy! Bye, Jenelle!" That was the last time I saw him.

I stood there until another car pulled up, waiting patiently for me to say good-bye so they wouldn't disturb me. Then I wiped away my tears and turned back towards my car, but not before reading his headstone one last time...

Jordan Ramon Castillo
January 30, 1988-February 12, 2004
'We'll see you soon-just not today'

Hump Day

2005-01-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

Lincoln, Nebraska is the greatest place on earth. Well, maybe not the greatest, but close. There's little to nothing entertaining to do, besides the obvious movies and bowling, but even little po-dunk towns have those. There are terrible drivers, sporadic weather changes, and exciting events rarely happen. You may now be wondering, "So...why is it the greatest place on earth?". Well, my friends, the answer is this: it is my home. I've always thought it to be the perfect balance between 'big enough' and 'not too big'. There are kind, conservative people, but not so few that you know everyone. And I don't know anyone who's a farmer. I think Nebraska gets a bad reputation, mostly because it's boring to drive through and that's the only reason most people have even been here. But if people lived in Lincoln strictly for its excitement, glitz & glamour, there would be a population of (maybe) thirteen. No, I do not believe Lincoln, Nebraska is the most hoppin place on the globe. And there are many, many places I want to visit before I die. B ut when it comes to livin, there's no greater place than my hometown. After all, my entire family is within driving distance. And, while I consider the Mall of America a sort-of church, I am completely satisfied with the malls we have here. Except for maybe SouthPointe in the winter--who's bright idea was that? While we don't have an ocean, we have lakes to jet ski in. We don't have skyscrapers, but we do have the state capitol. Rush hour traffic sucks, but is nothing compared to driving in Dallas at any time of the day. And, contrary to popular belief, we do have indoor plumbing. I won't lie, there have been times that I've pondered about moving away, but I can never think about it seriously. Lincoln is my home. It has been since I was a baby. And, while our house may be old, we've lived there since I was five, and I can't imagine it NOT being my home...well, my parents' home...you know what I mean.

Joanne got a blog today! Go visit her site--it's joanne1284@blogspot.com.

Sarah sent me new pic-a-tures today...maybe someday I'll figure out how to load them on this thing. They're too cute. It makes me nostalgic, thinking about summer time. Jeez, that seems like forever ago, even though it was only, like, eight months ago. I love pictures. I have a scrapbook that I started when I was fourteen, and it's still not even half full. I love looking at scrapbooks, but they're too time-consuming. My friend, Tessa, has an awesome one, with TONS of pictures in it. Maybe someday when I'm old I'll get into it. And by then I probably will have more constant friends, unlike high school. I've been thinking about that lately, about like, when I get married and stuff. I mean, that is years away, but I was thinking about how I used to plan to have like, eight bridesmaids. Now, I will have my sister, Joanne, and Towne. Which, I suppose, is good, because I don't think Dave has eight groomsmen. The same few would have to keep running around to escort my friends...

Well, that's all for now. I've got to go spread world peace and find a cure for the common cold before dinner. More later!

Dave's still gone =(

2005-01-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. All I've wanted to do all day is go home, put on some sweat pants, snuggle up in a warm blanket on the couch and watch a movie. Doesn't that sound heavenly? Tonight is gonna be pretty fun--I'm going out to eat and to a movie with my sister, Joanne, and Sarah (Thompson). It's bittersweet, though, because I miss my baby! He's only been gone for 31 hours, but it seems like a week! I want to see him and hug him! AND he's not even getting back 'til TOMORROW NIGHT. =( Gosh, I sound pathetic...but I'm usually with him ALL the time, and it sucks to be away from him. This is the most time we've spent away from each other in...ever! When he gets back I'm gonna try to do something special for him, maybe buy him a new shirt or something.

Well, that's all for now. More later.

Hmmmm

2005-01-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I attempted to post yesterday, and I got a lot written, then accidentally closed the window and all was lost. Then I was too angry to start over, and it was time for me to go home. So this is attempt #2, and if I lose this one, there's a good chance I won't even try to post again for months. And then where would the world be?

Anyways, I was trying to get in a 'writing' sort of mood, which usually means putting on some sad and/or angry music and trying to come up with an interesting post title. Unforunately, this feat has proved entirely too difficult for me. At first, I thought I'd make every post have a one-word title, but that didn't work out for too long. I'm just not that creative. But I hate to think a post may go without a title, so I force myself to come up with something, even if it's as pointless as 'Untitled' or 'Hmmmm'. But I have to have music on before I can even start writing, or the whole process is doomed. I won't even get three words on the page. I think maybe I get so focused on the song that I temporarily leave my brain and my fingers just type random letters, coming up with the useless nonsense that is my blog. On that note, I've decided that Jason Mraz is my favorite music to post to. I've given up on sad songs, mostly because I'm getting quite tired of them. You can only be a dramatic author for so long before you tell yourself to just lighten up. Especially because I'm such a spaz and so ADD that most the time I just forget that I'm supposed to be sounding sad and end up sounding bi-polar.

Did I mention I'm giving up driving? And the internet, and television. No, I didn't decide to be a hippie and I didn't go to a hypnotist like on Office Space. It's just that those activities only lead to one thing: spending money. And I just can't afford to do that anymore. Isn't it amazing how you can work for days and days, and spend all that hard-earned cash in less than two hours? Kind of depressing, if you think about it, which I try not to do. There's something therapuetic about shopping, if you ask me. I can be having the worst day of my life, and all my problems can be solved with a cute vest and a new pair of boots. Does this make me shallow? I think not. Most people would drop twice as much as I do on a therapist, while I choose to self-medicate.

Okay, okay. I know. This post sucks. And I planned on writing a lot more, but give me a break, it's FRIDAY. And right now it is 5:02, which means I got off 120 seconds ago. Far too long. I will try my very hardest to post again soon. Until then, all I really have to say is PEACE, HOMIES!!!

More Lata, Playa!
Thug Life! Represent!

(Don't cut me...)

Stories

2004-12-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought.
--E.Y. Harburg (Edgar Yipsel) (1898 - 1981)

Yikes. That's a little too 'sign posted on a music teacher's wall', isn't it? But, it's true none the less--even more so when I listen to songs like "Stories" by Trapt. What a great band. What an even greater song. It's one of those that you hear for the first time and think 'man, this is so my life! This song is about MY life'. And how great is that? But what's even better is that probably a million other people think the same thing, all for different reasons. Sometimes I just wish a song was about my life, and occasionally I'll hear a song and hope makes someone else think of me. That's kind of embarrassing...maybe I should be more candid on this thing...Anyways, back to my original point; I remember the first time I heard "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6--I was completely floored. Or "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe--I couldn't wait 'til I was a freshman and that could be my song. I am such a dork. Or what about "Good Riddance" by Green Day?? Then of course there are all the songs about relationships--I've had an "our song" for every guy I've dated , and a specific "I hate you because you're stupid hurt me" song for the ones who match that description ("Ex-Girlfriend", "Are You Happy Now?", and "I Hate Everything About You" were my favorites, and the most appropriate to their situations). I have a song that makes me think of almost every one of my friends, even from like, junior high. And every time I hear one of those songs, my thoughts go back to that time and place--which isn't always a good thing, I might add...I've ruined some perfectly good songs by relating them to once-boyfriends or best friends (think "One Call Away", and "'Burbans and Lacs"). It's a dangerous little game, this one that I play, but I can't help it. I'm just a 'musical' type of person. And the stories that MAKE a song an "our song" are better than the songs themselves. I mean, where would I be without "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" with Joanne from when we got pulled over? Or "Dilemma" for Nelly & Ellie? Then there's "Suga, Suga" for Thomas, and "Rubber Band Man", which is Thomas' ringer on my phone, but will eternally make me think of Josh and our rides home after Rock Show practice; "Hit or Miss" for Miranda from freshman spring break in Florida, "Today is in My Way" from when Jennifer moved away--heck! I even have songs for my DAD ("Mr. Jones", "Run Around", "What I Like About You" and "Wild Nights"). Me and Sarah have enough to fill a whole cd ("This Love" from our senior-morning smokes, "Let's Get Away" from Hip Hop 3, haha, "I Miss You" from when she LEFT ME to go to Doane =), and, of course, everything from JNEL'S Tight Mixx, etc., etc.). But it's not all fun, either. There are songs that make me think of the worst times, like "Father of Mine" from when my parents got divorced, or "I Wish", "I Will Wait for You", and "Thugz Mansion", from Tesa's, Josh's, and Jordan's funerals, respectively.

So, in reminiscing, I find the above quote incredibly true. Cheesy as it may be, songs make me feel my thoughts. They pull me forward, take me back. They remind me how much I've laughed and how hard I've cried. But the thing I love about them the most, is that they bring back any emotion that's faded with time. When I think about the memories, the feelings just aren't as strong as if they're brought back by their songs. But when they are, it's like I'm right there again.

More Later

Chrismakkuh

2004-12-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well I thought it was time to finally break down and post an actual entry, since I haven't been very faithful in doing so. I guess it's just because I haven't been very motivated to do much of anything lately--not even to go out.
Anyways, so today is the 9th, which means there are only 16 shopping days left 'til Christmas! I'm not usually very "Christmas-y", but this year I have more of the "holiday spirit", so to speak. I even went out and bought a Christmas cd, even though I'm not a very big Christmas carol fan. When I get off work today, me and Dave are gonna go Christmas shopping. I already bought my sister's present, and also I bought a cute little outfit for Sarah Thompson's daughter, Taylor. So now the only people left on my list are Dave, Sarah, Keaton, and the parentals. I know what I'm getting my folks, but Dave and Sarah are a little harder. I have some pretty good ideas, but they may fall through. I'm getting Keaton a onesy ebroidered with "My Aunt Jenelle Loves Me". Awww.
So yesterday I got my first Hanukkah experience (with Dave's family). It was actually pretty cool--it made me feel cultured.We lit the candles and they said the prayer (which I didn't understand a word of, but it sounded cool anyways!) and then they exchanged gifts. Dave got his mom a fuzzy white sweat suit (from Foot Locker, of course) and today he's buying his dad pants from Eddie Bauer.
On Sunday we're having our work Christmas party (at Vincenzo's, which I've never been, but I hear it's absolutely fantastic). I'm pretty stoked. Sarah's bringing Joanne, so I'm sure it will be a hilarious event. I just hope we don't get to telling embarrassing Jenelle stories. Oye.
Well, in looking over this entry, I would generally say that it's pretty weak, but since it's my first entry in forever, it's looking pretty darn long. I need to get back to work anyways. Good 'ol ASB. Hopefully I will write again before spring. I'm not making any guarantees, but I'm guessing there will be more later.

Happy Chrismakkuh to all, and to all a good night!! Or day!! Whatever!!

The Sad Song's Inspiration

2004-12-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

Because I'm scared.

Every day seems the same,
Frantically searching for something to change.
Today's tomorrow, the next, and the next...
I'm coming to terms with knowing what to expect.
The ups and the downs, constantly trying...
Doing what I can to not break down crying.
So I say just what I need to get by,
I'll give it one more day and a thousand more tries.
Just to keep it from crashing down on me,
I'll hold it inside and stifle the screams.
But it's so painful when I realize
I don't remember the last time I felt alive.
Relying on these sad songs for inspiration,
Avoid the crushing weight of confrontation.
I try to forget that person I was,
Cover my eyes so I don't see what I've become.
And I don't want anyone else to know,
Don't want this side of me to show.
Still, this is all I have, and I've given up what I need...
A chance to sit back and let myself breathe.
So I'll consume myself with these perfect songs,
Pretend I'm not terrified of being wrong.

Because I'm so, so scared.

I'll Have Another

2004-11-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh, Friday... I can taste it already. Although I wouldn't be incredibly surprised if tonight ends up sucking. Fridays have really gone downhill since school started. Damn kids that want to learn. Anyways, I am excited none the less because I feel old and boring since I hardly party anymore. How many more months 'til summer, again?

Sigh. Know what I realized today? I like sad music. Is that weird? I like it better than I like happy music. I mean, my favorite song is about a guy who turned into an alki like his dad. And the chorus to my 2nd favorite song is: "And there was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy. I'm runnin down the clock, that ain't a shock, some things never do change". And I'm getting kind of obsessed w/ 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley, even tho my mom says it sounds like a 60's folk song...

Anyways, is it just me or has this week seemed like a hundred years?? It dragged on FOREVER!! And I still don't even get off for another hour and nine minutes. That sucks a monkey. I really like that I get every weekend off, but it would still be nice to get a weekDAY off every now and again. Not to mention the fact that my boyfriend has, no doubt, been getting high all day long and lounging around playing Madden 2005 on MY PS2. Sigh. I sure do know how to pick 'em!

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm feeling rather lethargic so I think I'm just gonna read Jason Mraz's blog entries and try not to fall asleep. More later.

Nyahh!

2004-11-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

Wow I can't believe it's been a week and a half since I've posted! I think that's the longest I've gone so far--but then again nothing spectacular has really happened worth writing about. Halloween was awesome, my 19th birthday was awesome, things with me and Dave are awesome, Ryan Cabrera was awesome...everything's awesome right now. (Over-use of the word "awesome"...I really need to get a thesaurus...)
In other news, I'm quitting smoking!! I've only had TWO cigarettes in the last two and a half days. It kind of sucks...I miss how good they taste, and I kind of freak out sometimes, but I'm glad that I'm quitting. I'll save a LOT of money, that's for sure!! Plus, Dave and I are cooling it with the whole getting-messed-up-EVERY-night thing, so I will save lots of money on beer! It's been kind of hard, but I'm really proud of how well we've done. I know it's only been three days, but that's the longest we've gone (minus the five days we weren't together--and I don't think he stopped).
Anyways...I guess I should've waited 'til I was in more of a 'writing' mood, but nothing's that fascinating to talk about, so I'm gonna go. More Later!!

Amazing

2004-10-29T17:57:00.000-06:00

Wow, I am absolutely in love with "Ghost of a Good Thing" by Dashboard right now. I think I've probably listened to it 200 times by now, even though my computer is stupid and slow and keeps interrupting the feed. It's kind of depressing, but awesome. I'm obsessed.
Well, I'm sitting here enjoying my last hour in my office--as of Monday morning, I'll be sharing it with the new guy we hired. I hope it's not weird being in here with him...Not that he doesn't seem like a good guy, it's just that I've only met him once, and now I'll be 10 feet away from him. Every day. Yikes.
I cannot begin to describe how tired I am right now. I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night (which is more than Dave got, but that's his own fault). Seriously, I got to work early this morning, so I slept in my car for 45 minutes just so I wouldn't fall asleep at my desk. And of course, it's Friday, so I'm going to get to sleep for about an hour before I have to start getting ready to go out. I'm being a school girl tonight, Sarah's being a Girl Scout. I was never in Girl Scouts. I think my sister was in Brownies or something, but I never was. I don't remember why. I always wanted to be in Camp Fire, but I never did that, either. What can I say, I had a deprived childhood.
Man, 56 minutes to go. I think I'm going to write in my blog the entire time, just so I can see how long it gets. Which means I need a subject I can get rather lengthy on...let's see...ooh! I'm reading The Catcher in the Rye again, which is one of the only books I actually read at school (antistudy.com--God bless whoever invented that website). It's kind of depressing, but I like books like that; they're real. I love that it's from a Holden's point of view, and that he rambles a lot and is troubled. The only book I like better is The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky, which is crazy because it talks about The Catcher in the Rye. I read both in school, which I wish I hadn't because they always made us read all these critical essays and dissect the entire story to find the themes or 'hidden meanings'. Then we'd have to write our own critical essay and break the story down and all that nonsense. Every time I'd have to write one, I'd work it into my paper to say how incredibly bogus the whole 'critical essay' process really is; in one paper, I wrote that I thought it was unfair to analyze each part of the book and try to find metaphors or deeper meanings, because the author is the only one who knows what the real meaning is, and I thought it was a complete waste of time to read other peoples' opinions of what the author was 'really trying to say'. I hated how they were always criticizing the style or weaknesses of the author, especially in the case of J.D. Salinger. Of course there wasn't great grammar usage or insight--it was from the perspective of a confused, lonely 17-year-old kid whose trying to find his place in the world! I told my teacher that breaking the story down and analyzing each piece was as useless as looking at a painting color by color--it isn't a picture unless you're looking at it as a whole. And I think an author's main purpose in writing is to reach an audience; try to help people come to self-realization and take a good look at their surroundings and how they perceive things. That's why I love this book so much--it made me think and feel and understand. It's so great. I mean, the title in itself is a great example. Holden says that all he wants to do is be a catcher in the rye, like in the children's song, and save purity and innocence from crossing over into what's fake; but then he realizes he's had the words wrong the whole time. It doesn't say anything about a 'catcher in the rye', he got the words mixed up somewhere along the way. So in the end, the one thing he wants to be is a result of his own confusion. It's so ironic and perfect. And even though that's my favorite part of the book, I would never write an entire essay stating that that was exactly what Salinger was trying to express, because maybe it's not! Maybe that's not even close! I think it's so arrogant to interpret someone else's work into what you want it to mean.

.......I just realized my entire blog was one giant book report. I'm a dork. Man, this is the stuff that gets me going, though. These are the times I wish I could make up my mind and take the risk and give up the money and just be a teacher. Sigh.
I need to get out of here and go shopping and go home and sleep. MORE LATER!!!

If Only

2004-10-28T13:05:00.000-06:00

Let's sit here for a minute,
Under the pressure and under the stars.
Get away from our addictions,
Hide from disappointed eyes.
Let's lie down, breathe the cool air...
This may be my last chance at purity.
How do I tell you?
There aren't words to explain.
There's nothing left that I can explain.
Let's walk through the cool grass,
I can't promise I won't walk away.
I make you suffer, drag you down.
Like we're living out the saddest songs,
Futures slipping away...
Let's go to the water now,
Hope for a minute that it'll wash this all away...
But I learned long ago,
Something so cold can't offer redemption.
So I'll stand here, let it overtake me.
Not having to pretend I'm stronger than the waves,
The storms.
Go, let me stay here,
With the stars and the cool grass and the clear water.
Just for tonight. One night.
To get out and be okay...

Untitled #2

2004-10-26T17:16:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one,
The only one who feels this way?
I look at you and you and you,
Wonder how you stay so happy,
Wonder if you really are.
I listen to the words you say,
Then try to drown them out
Because I don't know what I believe.
When did everything go so wrong?
I don't know how to shake this feeling,
Don't know how to make it go away.
Just when I think I've beat it all,
The smallest thing comes to rock my world.
I'm not over it,
Any of it,
Any of it at all.
How do the worst memories,
The ones buried below anything I can find...
How do they make their way to the surface,
With one word, one scent, one second?
Give me anything to shut it out,
Say none of it happened and none of it's true.
Take it away.
Someone, anyone, anything...

Yay!

2004-10-22T17:11:00.000-06:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...today is Friday.

I have waited six long days for Friday to arrive, and it finally has. I have had zero time to write in my blog seeing as how I'm so incredibly busy at work. Anyways, the long-awaited weekend has arrived, and I would like nothing better than to run out of here screaming "SO LONG, SUCKERS!! MWUHAHAHA!!" and go get ready to go to Tonja's birthday party tonight. Unfortunately, I am here until 5 because I didn't get here until 9:20. I blame my sister. The anticipation is positively killing me! I need to figure out what I'm going to wear tonight! BLAH. I have to shower at Sarah's tonight because our hot water heater broke--fantastic! It's so incredibly convenient to find places to get ready! Yay for old houses that fall apart!
In other news--I'M GONNA SEE RYAN CABRERA!! He's coming to the Rococo on November 8th so we got tickets!! It'll be me, Sarah, Sarah Thompson, Joanne, and Tiffani. I am SOOOO excited. I absolutely LOVE Ryan Cabrera. And if we get to meet him, I think I'll fall over and die...well, probably not that extreme, but I am gonna freak. And I will tell him to tell Ashlee Simpson how much I love her, too...
So today, I decided that I definitely need to quit smoking. I'm not actually going to, but I need to. It's getting pretty expensive, and paying $400 for my car kinda tapped me out. Dave bought my & Sarah's beer last night...I knew I kept him around for some reason. HA! Anyways, having to pay for cigarettes and gas when I only have like, 20 bucks to last me 'til next Friday is not working so well. And since our hot water heater broke, my parents have no money either. So that leaves me in a sticky situation. Want to give me some money?
Anyways, it's after 4:00 and I should probably start doing some work...or at least pretending to do some work. Then I get to drive home on the quarter tank of gas I have left to grab some clothes and head back to this side of town to go to Sarah's...I will leave you with this quote, from the song Xzibit wrote about me after we met one night at a party in Vegas--

"Call it what you wanna call it,
I'm a fuckin Alkaholik.
Bring it if you really want it,
Ain't gotta put no extras on it"

MORE LATER!!!

Yucky

2004-10-15T16:46:00.000-06:00

Today is a not very good day. I guess I shouldn't complain, since I didn't come in to work yesterday (I had a bad case of the sniffles, cough, sneezing, and otherwise feeling blah). Still, today is gloomy and long and I don't really want to be here. My car is still in the shop (& is costing me over $500 to fix), I still feel yucky, I just spent $17 I really don't have to change my ACT test date, and I'm going to lose most of my Friday night to go watch Jerry Seinfeld tonight at the Lied Center. We've had these tickets for over a month, and I love Seinfeld...but why'd it have to be on a Friday? Anyways, Sarah is back because she has fall break, which means the next few days should be a lot of fun! Which sucks because I'm very impatient and I want the fun times to start now, not tomorrow. Sigh. It's super cloudy and gloomy and I'd rather just be with my friends tonight. Oh well. Roll with the punches, right?
Well, I'm not in a very good writing mood, so this is going to be (by far) my shortest entry so far. I'm sure I'll make up for it next time, so more later.

Pondering

2004-10-06T18:01:00.000-06:00

Today is dark and gloomy, and dark, gloomy days always make me very analytical; so here's a thought for the day: "How long is change, change?". By all practical definitions, change is an alteration, transformation, substitution, exchange, etc...which seems fairly simple, I suppose. But change ceases to be change when it has been adjusted to. So when is that adjusment made? Is there a time frame? A universally accepted 'adjustment period' that I am unaware of? I mean, change is obviously unavoidable, and can range from anything as small as the toothpaste your mom buys to something as life-altering as death. So, what I've concluded is that "change" is only "change" for as long as it takes someone to adjust to it. Unfortunately, some people have a hard time with this adjustment process. More specifically, I have a hard time with this adjustment process. Yesterday at dinner, Sarah said something about me going to Doane next year. Since I was in 10th grade, Doane is the only college I even considered. It has everything I want: a smaller campus, it's close to home, and I know people there. So why am I reconsidering? What changed? Well, nothing and everything. I guess the apprehension of possibly not being able to handle it. It's just, the longer I stay here, the more I feel like I can't leave. My whole life is here, and I'm comfortable. It may not be incredibly spectacular, but it's constant; it's reliable. And honestly, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I leave here, I'll be giving up what I've worked so hard to reconstruct--my life. But I'm torn. The logic of both staying and going are undeniable, and I've gone over it in my head a million times...to no avail, I might add. If I stay, I will know that I didn't give up anything I worked for. I have a good job with a solid future that keeps me near my family and friends, and allows me to have fun and not worry about all this stuff that's plaguing me. But then I'll never know what could've been if I just would have tried it. If I go, I'll be risking a lot. But it opens up all sorts of new possibilities and a chance to get the hell out of here like I always planned on doing. I'm watching myself become one of the people I used to pity, and I don't like what I see. But then again, who am I trying to please? Myself? Definitely not. I'm so wrapped up in what I'm "supposed to be doing" that it's driving me insane. I'm too immature to be making these decisions, but at the same time, being at a standstill makes all these decisions pass me by...This isn't getting me anywhere. More later.

Whoa

2004-10-05T17:58:00.000-06:00

It's been almost a week since I've had time to write in my blog, so I guess I have a lot of catching up to do! Okay, so since Wednesday...on Thursday I spent the ENTIRE NIGHT with my family at Prairie Life and I thought I was going to shoot myself. But while we were there I saw a kid who looked a lot like Jordan Castillo (my sister's ex-boyfriend...he died in February) and it was a real kick in the stomach. I miss Jordan a LOT. That was pretty hard to swallow. So after that I just went to Dave's and fell asleep and tried not to think about it. On a lighter note, Friday was a lot of fun--we had a party over at Tonja's. Saturday was the Husker game, so Ellie and I drank in the parking lot of the Campus Life house where we went to watch it. Bad idea. Allison came out and totally saw me. She didn't say anything, but she's worried about me. Anyways, we left at like half time and went to Tonja's, then ended up at Dave's. Sunday night I was in a pretty bad mood so I just went and drank at Dave's. God, every night ends with "and went to Dave's"...that's pathetic. Except for last night! Yay for me! I stayed at my own house! Here is my problem: I really like hanging out with Dave. I do. He likes me and we party together and he's crazy...but he gets so jealous it drives me crazy. Last night he actually got mad at me for not staying at his house. Do we really have to spend EVERY night together? Why can't we just hang out, instead of LIVING together? We don't even have sex, so I don't know how it benefits him to have me sleep there. Sigh. Anyways, so that brings me to today! I got to work this morning and found out my computer is infected with Spyware! Awesome! So I've been moving from vacant office to vacant office at various parts of the day when their owners are not occupying them so I can actually do some work. Jack (our computer tech) can to fix it, but he's still working on it. And now I have to bake him cookies for all of his hard work...and by "bake" I mean "purchase". Anyways, tonight Sarah is coming into town and we're going to eat at Grisanti's. Mmmmmm! Then I think tomorrow night I'm going to try to go to the musical to support my dear friends who are unfortunately still in high school. O-ka-tay, enough for now I'm going HOME!! I am 87% sure that there will be More Later.

Zip-a-dee-do-dah

2004-09-29T10:56:00.000-06:00

Today is awesome! I don't even know why, I'm just in a really good mood! Last night was really fun, I miss hanging out with Sarah so much. We went to the volleyball game, and sat up at musical practice for a little while--that was kind of crazy. It felt good to know I didn't have to do that anymore! Listening to Mr. Bowling gripe at everyone gets old really fast. Anyways, after the game we ended up at Dave's house (surprise!), and this morning I was late to pick up my sister for school. Oops. Anyways, this morning has just been really laid-back and hilarious. Sarah that I work with has been cracking me up all day. Oh, and then Mark from MacPractice (the company that we're endorsing for DentalMac tech support) sent us a New York cheesecake as a 'thank you' for all the work we're doing. It was SOOO good. And it's actually, like, FROM New York (b/c that's where Mark is). Actually, my mom thinks she might get to go up there eventually for business stuff, and I want to go SO badly! That would be extremely remarkable. Hehe. Anyways, there's this smudge right in the middle of my monitor that I have GOT to clean b/c it's driving me insane, so more later.

In Brief

2004-09-28T17:40:00.000-06:00

Recap of the weekend: Friday night I went to Tonja's, and we hung out there until we went to a party with a bunch of Katie's friends. It was actually really nice to change the scenery--and not see the exact same people I see EVERY other weekend. So I went with Tonja, Katie, Luke, Chad, and Jessica, and later Ellie, Jake, and Dave showed up--total of 8 other people that I actually knew. Then Chad and Chris showed up, and ended up getting in a huge fight with some guys there (it was really unfair--like 2 against 20). It was crazy. Everyone was just throwing punches and the rest of the people were running like hell to get out of there. It was really chaotic. The funny part is, though, that out of probably over 100 people, the TWO people we knew and didn't come with are the ones that fought. Now doesn't that figure. So we went to Chad's house b/c he got hit over the head w/ a bottle and was bleeding EVERYWHERE (it was disgusting). Seriously, me and Ellie were picking shards of glass out of his head and shoulder. Ew. Anyways, later Dave calls me and tells me he needs a ride and is all the way out by the airport. Goodness! So I drive ALL the way to BFE and get him (almost killing myself on the way, I might add). Drama. Anyways, Saturday night we went to Brandin's party and that was pretty fun. Well tonight is senior night for Northeast volleyball so me and Sarah are going to cheer Ellie on! And actually, I'm supposed to be leaving to go to Sarah's right now (yay! I love my best friend!) We're gonna get *wasted* and go be retarded at the volleyball game, so I gotta go! More later.

Tonight

2004-09-24T15:21:00.001-06:00

Sigh. Here I am at work by myself because I'm the nice one who stayed so everyone else could leave early. Today has been pretty long, especially since I woke up just after 7 a.m. so I could take my sister to school. And last night wasn't HALF as great as I thought it was gonna be. Sarah said "her car overheated" so she didn't come into town, so I didn't make Zeff come to dinner, either. But I DID get to see my adorable little niece, so that was awesome. I think we took a million pictures of her! Then after that I went to Jake Hamilton's with Dave because Jake just got back from Colorado, then we just went to Dave's place and chilled with Bauer, Adamek, Chuck, Volzke, and Tyler. Pretty typical night, nothing exciting.
Anyways, so today is Friday, which should mean that there's something totally great going on, but it doesn't. The last couple of weekends have been incredibly disappointing, which sucks. K enough for now b/c I'm on the phone AND im-ing AND writing in my blog and I never was one for multi-tasking. More later!!

Thirsty?

2004-09-23T14:21:00.000-06:00

So today is Thursday, one of my favorite days of the week (mostly because we usually get *wasted* and because it gets me that much closer to Friday). Today is going to be an exceptionally good Thursday because my brother and his wife are coming over for dinner and bringing my niece, who is the CUTEST little girl in the whole entire world. I love her SO much, it's crazy! And not only that, Sarah is coming into town to eat with us, too!! I have a feeling it's gonna be an incredibly fantastic night. Dave might come, too.
Anyways, today Tami came in to visit us at work (she used to work here but her husband's parents bought them a UPS store so they're going to run that). She might come back and temp for a couple of months, and I thought "if she ever came back, I could see myself staying here". The job itself isn't bad, it's working with my mom and my grandma. It's hard to be professional when so much of your personal life is taking place at work. Not that it's ALWAYS bad, I just need interaction with people I HAVEN'T known my whole life. I guess I'm just going to wait and take the ACT and if I do well, I'll go to college; if not, I'll stay here. I really want to move out, I just need to find a damn roommate!
Yup well that's pretty much the news for today, more later.

Wednesday

2004-09-22T14:02:00.000-06:00

Today is pretty uneventful, just working at my boring old job. It's days like this that I think I could never work here as, like, a "career". I mean, I WANT to be a teacher...but I also don't want to be poor. I remember when my parents got divorced, my mom had to go on welfare and stuff, and I swore my kids would never go through that. Not that a teacher's salary is THAT bad, or that I would be a single parent, but it would be nice to have money, and this is a good, reliable job. This job is definitely has more money opportunities...but is that the important thing? I don't think at 18 years old that I am prepared to make these life-altering decisions about my future! Too much pressure!
Anyways, I've been thinking a lot this morning about Chuck, because he got another mip last week and he already has to go to jail for a dui. I feel bad for the kid, because I think he really wants to do something with his life. He was over at Dave's the other night and when I asked him how he was doing, he just looked so sad. He's going to jail next week sometime, and I really want to hang out with him before he goes; maybe see if he wants to go out to eat or something. But there's a lot of baggage that goes along with that (he liked me but he's Jordan's best friend and plus--it's Chuck! He's like...my friend! I don't think of him like that). I don't know what he would say if I asked him. Not to mention the fact that Dave probably wouldn't like that too much. But I think I'm going to ask him anyways. Chuck and I used to be really good friends and I could tell him anything...I miss that. He said that even if I kept seeing Jordan and nothing ever happened between us, he would still be there for me. Pshht! That lasted about five seconds. Not that I blame him, because that would be hard, but it's still kind of a kick in the face. I just thought I meant more to him than that.

Untitled

2004-09-21T17:52:00.000-06:00

I'm watching the rain fall down your face,
Reaching out but you won't lift your head.
Turning away from any reason,
And I'm realizing that I've buried you deeper--
In a pathetic attempt to bring us closer...
I've gone a little too far this time,
It's not about helping anymore,
I'm selfish and want you here beside me,
No matter what the cost.
Still you run so far away,
So afraid of the future, so afraid of change.
None of us are satisfied anymore,
We run around blinded
Afraid of what will be seen in the light.
Give me a reason to open my eyes
And I won't pretend to know anymore.

Same Old, Same Old

2004-09-18T17:25:00.000-06:00

So it was a typical Friday night, hung out with Tonja, Katie, Luke, Chad, Jessica, Nate, Jake, Shed, and Zeff over at Tonja's friend Kerry's house. It wasn't fabulous but it had the Friday-night necessities--beer and drama. =) Some how or another Scott (who I was totally obsessed with in 10th grade--he's SO hot) pushed Tonja into the pool and she was pretty pissed, so we left before things escalated. I was kind of irritated because Sara (Kerry's sister who I know from high school and haven't seen in a LONG time) said that she saw Zeff making out with some girl in the bathroom. It didn't really bother me as much as I thought it would (and as I've said, he's not my "boyfriend" or anything) I just didn't want to look stupid. I mean, he was kissing me, too, and I don't want to be the naive little girl who's getting played right in front of her own face. Anyways, he got pretty pissed because it didn't happen. Anyways, so this morning I was at his place and OH MY GOD their apartment was FILTHY. They had beer cans and cases stacked EVERYWHERE, dirty dishes, blunt remnants, pizza boxes...it was gross. Bauer never cleans because it's mostly Dave's mess and I knew Dave would never clean it, so I thought I'd do something nice and clean it up. And boy did I CLEAN--for an hour and a half!! You can actually SEE their countertops and coffee table now!! And you can see the TV without having to look through beer bottles and food from three weeks ago. I took out FIVE 30-gallon trash bags, did the dishes, and even mopped their kitchen floor. I was pretty proud of myself, because it's like, sparkling clean now. And Bauer was really thankful. Anyways, Dave gets off in like an hour and a half, and I have to go shopping with Towne and eat dinner with her family. I think Jake is having a party because his mom's out of town, so I'll probably end up there. That's pretty much all that's going on, more later!

Change

2004-09-17T09:31:00.000-06:00

I don't meant to sound whiny, or like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I can't shake this feeling that something's just not right. Not that I don't love my life or partying or my friends, but...it's the same thing day after day after day. And it seems like so many people are moving on with their lives, going to school, getting out of here, and I'm stuck. I get so scared sometimes that I'm going to end up just like the people I make fun of--the ones who have graduated years before me and still can't seem to break away from our same crowd. What if I'm still here in two, three, four years? What if I have nothing to show for myself because I'm so irresponsible and immature? When I think about my future, like when I get married and settle down and everything, I know that I want to be completely done with this whole scene. I don't want to party all the time, I just want to be a happy, secure, responsible adult. But then I look at my life now and I'm taking no steps whatsoever in that direction. Things are changing and I'm powerless to stop them--my life is flying by me and I don't know how to slow it down. But then there's no one to blame but myself, and I get so tired of going around and around with all these emotions that eventually apathy takes over and I just let things stay this way. I feel like if I get out, I have nowhere to go. If I'm not who I am in my circle of friends, then who am I? This is the life I've built for myself, and it's all I know. Maybe I just think too much, but I can't just blow it off anymore. I need to figure out what I'm doing. And soon. More later.

First Entry

2004-09-15T22:34:00.000-06:00

First off, let me introduce the main characters that will be appearing in my blog, starting with myself. I'm 18 years old and graduated from Lincoln Northeast High School in June. I'm working full-time for a year, starting class in January at SCC, and going to college full-time next fall. My best friend is named Sarah (Towne) and she's my favorite person in the whole wide world. We are connected at the hip, or at least we were until she moved to Crete to start school. =( She comes back at least once a week so we can hang out, though, so we're adjusting to not spending every waking moment together...Okay, so the person I've hung out with since Towne's been gone is Dave (Zeff). We're kind of dating, but I wouldn't call him my "boyfriend", even though we practically live together. He's being kind of an idiot right now, but what are ya gonna do?! He lives across from Jake Hamilton's apartment complex, and Jake's one of my best friends. We talked about getting a place together, but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen anymore. He's a super cool kid, though. Then next there's Ellie and Thomas, and they're married. Haha, not really, she's still in high school, but they're two of my best friends EVER. I actually kind of hooked them up! Then there's Jake Lind and Brandin (Shed), and they're the coolest kids you'll ever meet! They graduated the year before me, but we're still super close. Okay, I'll wrap this up and just throw out some names, Nate Rock, Tonja, Jessica, and Katie (and Chad and Luke, Jessica and Katie's boyfriends, respectively) and they're my party friends. I'm sure their names will come up frequently. Okay, so this has been a successful 1st blog! More later!!